I was going to write a post about my father. I was going to say that I called him today, that I debated about even calling him. We don’t talk much. We have a very on again, off again relationship. He left my mom and I when I was about 12 or 13, perfect time for a girl to lose her father. Funny thing was, that was exactly the age that he lost his due to a heart attack. He was real hung up on losing his dad at such a young age. Kinda ironic that he would do the same thing to his only child, only on purpose. I’m sure you could say he has “daddy issues” having no one to show him how to express love as a man or how to be a loving father. From all other sources, his dad seemed to be a good man and the love of my Nana’s life, so his death probably changed the course of my dad’s life immensely, in more ways than the obvious. His leaving echoed his dad’s in that he was there one day and gone the next. He waited to move out while I was on a visit to Nana’s. He called her to tell her while I was there. That is how I found out, I overheard her on the phone with him. She still doesn’t know that. I just pretended I didn’t know until my dad told me, on the way home, he
was leaving had left. That summer was hard. I was too embarrassed to tell my friends. If they asked, I would tell them he was at work or golfing. We were the first “broken home” on the block. It was the early 80’s, we didn’t realize how trendsetting we were about to be.
I love my dad. If I were being fair, I could say he just doesn’t know how to show it, the way I need him to show it. He and I share the same sense of humor and love of useless trivia. When we talk it’s never about anything very deep, it’s always very lighthearted and funny. I always feel good during the conversations, it’s afterwards that leaves me feeling a little jipped. It’s hard to pin down the exact emotion/word. I suppose, if I were being fair, his humor and lighthearted conversations are his way of expressing love to me. It just feels a little too light sometimes. I feel like I can never get anything off my chest and can never get him to understand my hurt from so long ago. It’s all very brushed under the rug, like he’s forgotten how he left. But just like he can’t forget how his dad left, I can’t. In some ways it’s worse since it was his choice to go. People always wish they could have another chance to speak and say the things they wanted to say to a loved one they’ve lost. When they’re gone the chance to express feelings is gone too. But sometimes the person can still be living, right in front of you and still you can’t get anything resolved. I know someday I will experience the loss of my father but I already know the pain of not having resolved my issues with him, even though physically he is still here.
So on this Father’s Day, I do wish him a happy Father’s Day with the hopes of many more of them to wish to him. And I wish, that after 25+ years, I can start to mean it. If I were going to write a post about my father on Father’s Day, this is what I would’ve written.